You people are my superstars.
Enrollment Day 2009, August 23. The morning was a nice one to sleep in. It was cooling and breezy. I woke up as soon as my sister shook me, hard. I walked to the bathroom blurry-eyed and nearly crashed through the bathroom door. I showered and brushed my teeth, then went and put on my uniform. I stared at the one-striped red badge on the left side of the uniform top and the patrol badge, and sighed. I would definitely miss everything that had happen this year.
I slung my backpack on my left shoulder, off the lights and headed to the living room. I glanced at the clock. It's only after 6.30 am. That means I must have woke up at 6 am cause I normally take about half an hour to get ready in my sleepy condition. I sat down on the one-seater couch with the comb and rubber band in my hands, looking at my feet. My stomach was inducing a feeling of nostalgia. I was nervous, so nervous that I nearly threw up minutes after I lay down in my bed the previous night. I had been holding back this nauseating feeling for hours, and I prayed hard that I would not throw up later on during the ceremony.
My sister was already in the kitchen, preparing breakfast for herself. "The huge butterfly in your stomach is flapping its wings now, that's why your stomach hurts", my sister said lightheartedly. I laughed, and I felt enlightened. At least I felt less tense. Then I had doubts whether to not eat something. To be on a safer side, I made myself a cup of extra sweet tea to provide me at least a little bit of energy to save me from passing out or puking later on. Sadly, I didn't even manage to finish it. My sister kindly offered me a bite of her toasted blueberry jam sandwich, and I didn't hesitate to take a small bite. After we finished with our breakfast, my sister woke Mom up to drive us to school.
I got out of the car shaking with fear and anxiety when Mom's car stopped in front of the school gate. I said goodbye to Mom and walked side by side with my sister as we made our way to the school canteen. From afar, I could spot Sek sitting there alone with a few other juniors. I checked my watch. It was only after 7.05 am. We were early. As time ticks away, more people arrived.
We Form 4s gathered near the flag pole and started snapping pictures with each other and our respective patrols. Then, we planned to sing Wei Qin the birthday song since it was his birthday. We dragged him to a spot and we surrounded him in a circle and shouted the birthday song to him. It was so loud that it attracted attentions from the rest on a quiet Sunday morning.
As we were asked to line up and stand at the assembly place, thoughts started to invade my mind. What if I ended up not getting anything? What will happen if I got into the Council? Will I have a major breakdown? Those thoughts were lost as the heat of the sun and my aching feet and sore backbone took over. Names were called for awards first, then comes the posts.
As the first name was announced for the Senior Court of Honor, I could literally feel my heart thumping so hard that it could damage my ribcage and leap to the concrete ground. I take deep breathes and held my breathe for a moment to reduce the speed of my heartbeat. A few minutes later, I heard Yee Lei's name being called. My whole face was drenched with shock. I could see the tad bit of disappointment in her eyes as she made her way to the stage, but she didn't let a single tear roll down her cheeks, even when the Council members were talking to her. I envied the tough act she put on, although it was so hard for her to do so. She came back into the line with a tiny smile along the way.
The last name for the Senior Court of Honor. I held my breath as I await for the answer. Then I heard my name. My warm hands turn cold. My heart literally stop beating for a few seconds. The pain attacked every single cell in my body. My body felt numb. The still air was filled with pin drop silence. I could feel all eyes on me. I forced my legs to make a move. I tried to hold back my tears as I made my way to the stage, but it was impossible. More tears made my cheeks damp as I stopped in front of every Council member and listened quietly to what they have to say. All I could offer that time were short nods, quivery replies and continuos apologies for breaking down. I could see the guilt and sadness in all nine of the Council members eyes as they talked to me. All of them gave me a tight hug, patted my arm and offered words of encouragement. As they were talking to me, I started thinking about the next year. To see my friends and my sister (if she gets into the Council) having private meetings of their own, whispering to each other about stuff I'm not supposed to know whenever I'm near and not joining the rest of us for yum cha sessions because they have to stay back after Court of Honor meetings for their own meeting will hurt me in so many ways. My eyes were filled with more tears. To avoid the pain from hurting me, I asked permission from Miss Xia Shuen to got to the toilet as soon as she was done talking with me.
I made my way to the back of the school compound. I could hear the echo of my own footsteps. I sat on the bench in front of the girls' toilet and cried. I was filled with doubt, fear, disappointment and sadness. My dream to be in the Council ever since I was in Form 1 crumbled in front of my very eyes. I had chose Scouts over Choir at the end of my Form 2 year. I declined Puan Loh's offer for me as a costume manager when she tried to persuade me. I made my parents promised me to let both my sister and I to commit to Scouts if we resigned from the Librarian board besides than the actual reason why I resigned. I was so inspired to hold the Welfare Quartermaster post and I even told myself that I hope to see my name on the Scouts noticeboard when I am in Form 5 everytime I pass by the noticeboard. I never thought the very day that I had been waiting for all my high school life made me disappointed instead. Then I thought about the mistakes I had made. I should have been more brave when I had to do the abseiling/rappelling task in camp. I should have kept my cool at tough times. I should have held back the temptation and need of crying when I lose hope. I should have thought of better things to say during my interview. I shook my head and reminded myself that there are only nine posts in the Council and there are about 30 of us who wants to be in it. I shall quote Yee Lei: "It's not about capability, but suitability". There are a huge amount of us with the capability, but about the suitability; there are just a few. It's so true.
I was so busy with my thoughts that I didn't realize a comforting arm wrapped around my shaking shoulders until I saw Lynn Shane's shirt. She just sat there and let me cry. I planned to stay there until it was all over, but guilt stopped me. I should put on a tough act like Yee Lei and show support for my sister and friends who will be in the Council. I told Lynn Shane that I should go back to the front, and she just nodded and walked me there. When I stood back in the line, I could see the worried faces of my friends and Denise and Sook Yin were already standing in a line in front. Zhen Ni was super nervous, she kept telling me. I talked to Wei Qin and Zhen Ni about what was on my mind, and I started crying again. Justin came round and wrapped his arms around my shoulder to comfort me and told me to let it all out if I needed to. Wei Qin offered comforting words. I looked up into the sunny beautiful Sunday sky and inhaled some fresh air. The last two posts before the ceremony finishes: Assistant Troop Leader (ATL) and Troop Leader (TL). Zhen Ni was extra nervous. When I heard her name announced as TL, I pulled her into a tight hug. I never felt so happy for her before. As she left the line for the stage, I felt the blues again. So this is where I have to stand, I said to myself.
Unit of Council 2009/2010
Troop Leader: Sia Zhen Ni
Assistant Troop Leader: Kelly Lim
Secretary: Johanna Loh
Treasurer: Sek Wen Hao
Welfare Quartermaster: Wong Sze Jie
Tools and Equipment Quartermaster: Lee Guo Hao
Projects Coordinator: Chew Sue Mun
Internal Affairs Officer: Leong Sook Yin
Discipline Officer: Denise Ong
I let out a sigh of relieve as soon as the ceremony ended. I got a place to sit quickly, doubting that my wobbly leg could support my body weight any longer. I took a few mouthfuls of water and prepare myself for the after-effect. People did come around and asked me whether I am okay. I did feel so much better after letting all the tears out. It's like an instant healer to the pain I felt for the mean time. I went around congratulating those who got post.
It was kind of an emotional moment for my sister and I when I talked to her. I mean, the both of us rarely talk about sensitive issues like that face to face. For the first time, I saw her crying so hard because she felt guilty for me. I persuaded her, told her that I'm okay. It was her dream to get the post, I know. But she knows it's difficult for me to accept things the way it is. We will be doing different things. I am very afraid that we won't be able to talk about everything together, cause we share EVERYTHING with each other. She will have to shut her mouth about certain stuff. There will be a line that I can't cross, no doubt about that. I just have to prepare for what's installed for me next year.
I was reluctant to go for the farewell party later on that night, I told my sister and Wei Qin minutes before the ceremony ended, and I had been telling this to Zhen Ni as well. Both of them kept persuading for me to go since I was the head of agenda for the night. I didn't wanna go cause I was afraid that I will drown everyone's mood with my emo-ness. But my sister said something that stopped me right on the track and think. She said, "You can be sad and down now, but you can't be like that forever. What about next year? How are you gonna do your job as promised to the seniors?". It was then that I realized I was being silly, crying and all. It's just a goddamn post. I love Scouts SO much, and certainly I won't quit scouting just because I didn't get the post that I wanted. After 4 years joining Scouts, the experiences, knowledges and memories I gained is so much that it would hurt me to erase them off my mind. I flashed out of my daydream, and agreed with my sister that if I don't attend the farewell party, all of my effort planning the performances and activities of the night will be wasted and all the meetings conducted will be just a waste of time. Alright, for the sake of everyone else, I will go, I said finally and the faces of my sister and friends lit up.
On top of my disappointment and sadness, I am pleased with the new Council members. All of them are the people I had worked with before, especially this year and most importantly, they are my good friends. I believe that they will bring a huge change to the way things are next year. I trust that they will not leave the rest of us behind, no matter what happens, because the proverb "Friendship lasts forever" is true. And I shall do my best as a Patrol Leader because I had made promises to the Council members that I will put effort into the chance given to me.
I had prepared this post on Monday, but I was too afraid to post it up, in case I insulted/offended anyone. But Yee Lei told me that this is my blog and I have the rights to say what I want to say. Anyway, this is how I truly feel, if you want to know. I may not be okay now, but I believe that time is the remedy to heal my broken heart. Just give me time, I will be better in time. So yeah, if I had mentioned anything that hurt you in any way, please take note that I didn't intend to make you upset.
Before I forget;
Thank you Jie, for doing your job as my bestest friend in the world.
Thank you Shauna, Liesl, Zhen Ni, Philip, James, Boon, Sammy, Wei Jun, Xia Shuen, Yee Lei, Tze Haur, Pan Jia Yi, Sze Jie, Sek and Kah Seng for chatting with me on MSN to make sure I'm okay.
Thank you Wei Jun, Nee Kee, Boon, Zen Wei and Lynn Shane for dropping messages/comments on my FaceBook profile.
Thank you Sook Jiun for the text message.
Cause I don't know what I will do without friends who care for me. :)
P.S: I had a good day with my sister and Zhen Ni in Sunway Pyramid today. We watched Up and Zhen Ni helped me made a record in my life's history today. :D
.:.:.:.:$[u]E t[E]nG:.:.:.:.
Why do my eyes get wet whenever I look up to a beautiful blue sky everytime I'm alone?