[EDIT:]
I do not want to worry about the future, but someone just have to make me wear a frown on my face.
And the worse part, I crumble on the inside because I don't know what to do.
Help, please?
Music video to Fly With Me. Somehow, I felt better when I watched this. Maybe this song reduced
my worries.
***
It's 2.40 am and I am blogging. This is nuts, I tell you. I have never stayed up so late before, except a few times when I had sleepovers and earlier this year when I have to finish up some History presentation. Damn it, I need to be in school in about 5 hours time for Campfire Night (CFN) preparation. Oh well, I am enjoying the quietness of the early morning anyways. I can feel my mind starting to unravel now, and here I go.
Insane how things could be now. I'll just elaborate on what I posted just now. Yes, I started thinking about the future, my future, when Mom got into the topic again on me and Sis taking over the company when we are old enough. My head hurts. The pain was like a ton of bricks dropped on my head. My head was spinning. My vision was blurred with tears filling up the corner of my eyes. I had told Mom and Dad before that I do not have the interest to do business. Why, if you'd ask? It is a bloody stressful job. I've seen Mom very tensed, until she lost her temper with me once. I don't blame her for doing that. Maybe she was just releasing her stress. But this continued on and on, and when I am PMS-ing, I lost my temper as well. Then things would turn ugly. Mom would go, "What's your problem? Why are you like that?" and I would just glare, but never snap back.
I would have to suck back my anger and blast on some rock music. Just to escape from the dumb act on making Mom upset. Then, slowly as I crumble, my cheeks will be damp. The tears never stop flowing, like how I can laugh for a long time. It's weird, isn't it? Then Mom and Dad will get annoyed and start the "crying lecture" again. They say I am just using tears to make them feel bad. But what they don't know is that I am angry, so angry with myself, for making anyone mad. I hate myself for doing that. I don't like making the people I love mad. But no one ever gets it. I know, I become very soft-hearted as I grow up, making it harder for everyone to deal with. I start crying when I watch a sad film, when I see my idols on my computer screen (this only happens occasionally) and when I think too much. Mom and Dad wants me to be tougher. I am trying, but at the same time I am hurting myself. I replace my sensitive emotions to anger and jealousy. It's not easy, you know. When I am alone sometimes I will start to reminisce the past, look back at the mistakes I've made, laugh at how stupid I was. When the painful memories come after the happy memories, the curve on my lips will be just a straight line. My eyes twinkle in sadness and tears will start rolling down my cheeks. I am just a growing teenager, still looking for my very own identity and trying to prove that I can survive in the real world.
I want to do music or hospitality and tourism in college. Maybe photography and writing. I don't know. I have another year to make up my mind, then off I go to college. I would have to kiss goodbye to my high school life, then there's where life's journey starts. I have thoughts of being jobless or unsuccessful in future. What if things turn out ugly? Pursuing in music is my main idea for college, but it would be hard. The music industry is rewarding, but tough ad challenging. Hospitality and tourism is my second choice. I have a dream of working in Disneyland, Club Med or any island resorts. But the main thing I'm trying to say is that I want to do something that I like when I grow up, not doing the job for the sake of putting food on the table and keeping my family finances running. I want my salary to be something that is worth for all my hard work and effort in my job. I don't want unwanted stress. I want to really live life to the fullest, like what people always say. I want to enjoy my time living on Earth.
Mom and Dad, I hope you understand my intention.
.:.:.:.:$[u]E t[E]nG:.:.:.:.
"This is an S.O.S.
Don't want a second guess
This is the bottom line, it's true
I gave my all for you
Now my heart's in two
And I can't find the other half
It's like I'm walking on broken glass
Better believe I've bled
It's the call I'll never get"
S.O.S.- Jonas Brothers